I was sitting at the kitchen table today when I felt things begin to unravel.
A conversation was happening between my parents and our first visitor since the quarantine began. One of them said, “Oh yeah… I’m getting my teeth next week.” They went on in jolly fashion while I contemplated exactly when my life became this sort of unrecognizable amalgamation of blurry what-the-fucks.
The wheels came completely off my brain when our visitor began proselytizing about her new bidet. It cost $39. I wondered… what kind of bidet could one purchase for $39? Maybe…
She tried to install the bidet herself but was unsuccessful. This gave me further reason to retreat into the recesses of my mind; what kind of person, with absolutely zero prior plumbing experience, decides to just up and install a bidet? (Yeah, apparently the woman to my immediate left.)
Luckily, she has a plumber friend who came over and finished the whole setting up process. Having a plumber friend is always handy btw and not just in instances where you are having trouble with the self-installation of a $39 bidet.
I finished checking out of my skin when she explained how she and her plumber friend used a measuring cup to approximate butt placement for the inaugural rinse cycle.
There is a good chance our visitor will read this so, rest assured, I am writing with much love and well wishes for her continued success with all bathroom-related technologies, and otherwise. Also… I offer congratulations on her much-reduced toilet paper usage.